CHAPTER 1

My Journey, My Hope

My Journey

I am grateful for the support and guidance from wonderful counsellors and various informational programs during my tumultuous journey.  I have lived in a domestic violence shelter, attended outreach programs, participated in Al-Anon meetings, joined self-help groups, read many books, and listened to other survivors to help shed my past pain. The information I received from these various sources is invaluable.  But unfortunately, attending, listening, reading, and studying were not enough to break the deeply entrenched negative cycles in my being. Finally, I began to realize that recovery is an action word. However, I had no idea where to start!

Years after leaving “Joe,” I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. By the time I found a psychotherapist who made the ultimate difference in my recovery, I was taking three types of anti-depressants and barely hanging on to my sanity – or so it felt. It took me another six years of intense therapy that included hard work, commitment, dedication and plenty of homework before I finally knew, without a doubt, that I am and always will be okay!

I have started this book several times and am currently on version three. (Completed 2022) Writing and re-writing this book has been among many valuable outlets in my journey to find my way to a happy, rewarding and fulfilling life. I genuinely hope you will use these stories and exercises as one resource as you navigate through to the enriching life you deserve.

CHAPTER 2

Your Support System

Commit to Yourself

A promise of a better future began when you decided to walk away from your abusive partner. Congratulations – you are a courageous individual. You may not believe me just yet, but I know it to be true. With this fact in mind, the most valuable person within your support system is yourself! You may be scared at the moment, and you may be concerned about whether or not you have the strength to recover and live a life of freedom and joy. But, I am here to tell you loudly and clearly - you absolutely can make it on your own and learn how to live a life free of abuse. You can overcome those feelings of insecurity, fear, guilt, shame, anger and confusion. You can learn how to break the patterns that lead to abusive relationships. You can live a healthy, content life. You can learn to trust yourself again. You will be able to look at yourself in the mirror with admiration. I sincerely believe this is all possible for you. You are strong, capable and worthy of a great future.

Sometimes it just seems easier to go back to the way things were because you have come to know what to expect. You have learned to survive with all the drama, chaos and hurt. Although you do not like it, it has become your comfort zone. It is familiar. However, always remember that the rewards you receive for working hard make it all worthwhile. It is freedom. It is peace. It is wonderful!

CHAPTER 3

Avoid the Trap

The “No Contact” Clause

Another common occurrence when you first leave is that the offender will be gracious, loving, apologetic and seemingly remorseful. His tactics may include sending you flowers and gifts; he may promise to attend therapy or leave excruciatingly painful messages of regret and repentance.  Or, as in my experience, he may even threaten suicide. All of these are very effective forms of manipulation. But, with a heavy heart, I must inform you that he knows precisely which of these methods will work best, based on your particular vulnerabilities.

There may come a time when you believe his apology and can tell he is genuinely remorseful for his behaviour. Great! It is terrific that he accepts responsibility for his unacceptable behaviour.  However, his acknowledgement and apology do not mean that he is ready, willing or able to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship. Please remember, “It is not what they say; it is what they do.” In this case, what he is doing is anything in his power to get you back. What he is not doing is honouring you or your decision to leave.

Avoiding any discussions or confrontations is the best way to handle this situation. Delete him from your social media and block his number on your phone. Delete his contact information to avoid temptation.  If he finds a way around any of this, keep a detailed record of all conversations, phone calls, messages, emails, or visits if his attempts at reconciliation become harassing or life-threatening. Remember, the moment you engage the offender in any communication, you risk your freedom and perhaps your safety. As stated previously, do not hesitate to call the police for help.

CHAPTER 4

Fear and Guilt

Guilt

If it was not fear I was feeling, it was guilt. This monster, who often wears the face of our oppressor, crawls inside the brain and causes all sorts of illusions that lead us into thinking crazy thoughts that end up making outrageous decisions. Although I have tremendously improved, I sometimes struggle when making decisions because I feel guilty for one reason or another. I remember making decisions based on what direction would make me feel less guilty. Unfortunately, I felt guilty about everything!

How often throughout the day do you say you are sorry for something that is absolutely out of your control or someone else has done the damage, but you feel obligated to apologize for them? How often do you set aside what you want to do to please someone? How many times throughout the week have you secretly wished you could be somewhere else but stayed where you were to please someone? Guilt-induced decisions can have severe consequences for you and your loved ones. How often have women returned to their abusive partner because he has pushed that “guilt button”? It certainly worked for the offender in my life. He was a master at hitting my guilt button relentlessly, which ultimately impacted my decision to reconcile with him.

Fear

Fear is perhaps the most complex and challenging emotion through which to work. Fear, either real or imagined, controlled most of my thoughts, guided my decisions and scarred my soul. However, who could blame me? I had just spent many years feeling intimidated and threatened. I walked around on eggshells, careful who I talked to and for how long, trying to be perfect every moment and doing everything in my power to keep the peace. Nothing worked for long. It has probably been the same for you.

Depending on your situation, you may still be running in fear for your life. You may look over your shoulder while walking down the street to see if he is following you. You may run into the nearest store when you hear a revving engine that sounds like his vehicle. You may think you see him walking towards you or imagine what you would do if he unexpectedly showed up at your door. These thoughts overshadow our existence, and it is almost impossible to function when fear and paranoia are present.

Facing this fear is not your only obstacle. Your emotional safety has also been under attack, although you may not recognize this as a form of fear. You may find that seemingly innocent remarks from others can send you into a tailspin. Your trepidation for being around especially assertive or overbearing people is entirely understandable. Even though he may not be communicating directly with you, there is still that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach that is shouting, “Danger, danger.” I often felt a lump in my throat when I started to feel nervous or troubled. I could not always identify the reasons. Now I understand that my reaction was not out of fear for my physical safety but a type of post-traumatic response to that familiar feeling of impending doom.

CHAPTER 5

Finding Closure

 Mourning

It is common for a victim of abuse to go through a long mourning period. The widely accepted Kubler-Ross Model of grief outlines five stages typically endured by which people cope and deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or experiencing a catastrophic loss.  You may not recognize the situation as a “catastrophic loss,” but when your dreams are shattered, your perception of someone is destroyed, and your hope for a happy ending has died – it is very much a catastrophic loss. Of course, you are in mourning, and that is okay. It is a process and just one more step in your journey toward recovery.

It can be complicated to find closure after an abusive relationship. In some cases, you had to run away, so you never had a chance to experience that final goodbye. In the case of common-law relationships and even some marriages, you do not have a divorce court to help you achieve closure. It is not just the death of the relationship you have lost.  Your goals and dreams have disappeared as well.  In addition, you are suffering from damage to your self-esteem, self-confidence, and ability to trust.  The only way to attain closure is to work through these stages until you have reached the fifth step, acceptance. Unfortunately, that means you must face each of the other steps, at least once, with the courage that allowed you to leave the relationship in the first place.

CHAPTER 6

Victimization vs Empowerment

Your New Motto

Assuming you have found some degree of closure, you must resolve never to be a victim again! You can start by making this your new motto, “I am capable, and I am empowered.” Repeat many times daily. Look in the mirror and mean it when you say it! Every time something happens to you or someone says something to you that is inappropriate or unacceptable, remember these words and the feelings they produce inside of you. Do not allow yourself to be re-victimized. Recognizing this truth will help you get through these incidents by being proactive instead of reactive.

Does this mean that bad things will never happen to you again? Unfortunately, it does not, although I wish I could promise you that they won’t. The difference is that when challenges appear, you will recognize them instantly and will do what is necessary to empower yourself to work through them effectively. Each time you do this, you feed yourself a healthy portion of self-esteem! It is surprising the strength you acquire when you have faith in yourself – when you truly love yourself.

You will learn to stop blaming yourself for the acts of others. You will stop punishing yourself for making mistakes and being human. Instead, empowerment will take its rightful place in your life. You will finally know the power of the freedom to choose. The feelings of guilt will disappear when you put any disturbing incident in its proper perspective.

CHAPTER 7

Caring for Yourself

Why It Is So Important

As a victim of abuse, you have been physically, emotionally or mentally beaten down so much that you probably just did not have the energy to care for yourself. In my experience, when I did try to take care of my own needs, I was called selfish and made to feel guilty whenever I tried to improve the quality of my life.

It is time to make self-care a priority. The secret to avoiding abusive relationships in the future is understanding the consequences of being unkind to yourself. You must vow never to mistreat yourself again.

If it becomes your sole ambition in life to treat yourself with kindness, patience and love, you will no longer have to worry about how other people will treat you. The offenders will find someone else to abuse, the bullies will find someone else to pick on, and the control freaks will find someone else they can boss around. You instantly move from victim to victor when you learn how to care for yourself. Even if you do not believe this wholeheartedly at the moment, what I am asking you to do is trust me.  Read this chapter carefully several times, putting it into practice as much as you can every day until it becomes your reality. You are so worth it!

Are you still going to take the time to care for your children, family and friends? Absolutely! You will learn how to take care of yourself by how you have been taking care of other people in your life, including your children, your parents, or your best friend.

CHAPTER 8

Who Am I?

The Real You

What you have seen, heard, and experienced has certainly shaped you as an individual and may have some long-lasting effects. However,  the human spirit has an amazing ability to recover, and it only takes one decision to turn your life toward positive experiences. Once you have decided that you will no longer accept unacceptable behaviour, you have taken the first step in redefining your life.

What is it that you REALLY want to have, do or be? That is the million-dollar question, is it not? When I was first asked this question during my recovery, I could not think of an answer. I could tell you everything I DID NOT want in my life, but I could not think of a single response that would describe how I wanted my life to be. Eventually, I came up with a few ideas, set some personal goals, and incrementally started achieving them, only to find out later that they were not my goals after all! I was still listening to everyone else in my life and had not ever taken the time to investigate my dreams and desires.

Remember, you have spent a great deal of time listening to other people’s opinions of you, most of which you took to heart. Their opinions have become your reality. Whether the influence of others has been positive or negative, it is still not necessarily an accurate picture of you. Moreover, what was once true about you may now have changed. So even though they may have been true at one point, it is time you decide whether those opinions are still valid today.

CHAPTER 9 

Forgiveness and Gratitude

Forgiving Yourself

Unknowingly, through the past few months, years, or decades you have been gathering patterns of self-destruction while trying to survive in a deadly, chaotic world. Nevertheless, you have summoned the courage to move past that ugliness. Now it is time to ensure that you never go back. It is time to forgive yourself for any of your perceived transgressions. If you feel shame, blame, guilt or any other negativity towards yourself, it is time to let it go. You will not continue to grow if you do not forgive yourself for whatever real or imagined indiscretion you retain. They are not serving you well. On the contrary, they are the most detrimental impediment to your healing. 

Someone once reminded me that we punish ourselves repeatedly for the same mistakes or indiscretions.  Even the most insidious criminals are only punished once for their crimes against humanity. Is it not insane to continuously beat ourselves up over something that happened in the past – either by us or to us?

Gratitude

My Lesson:

When I first started attending Al-Anon meetings,  forgiveness and gratitude were often the topics of conversation. Many of the women in the group would say things like, “I’m grateful for the alcoholic in my life because, without him, I would never have found the Al-Anon program, the people I have met here, and a new way of life.” I remember rolling my eyes and thinking, “I will never be grateful for needing to come to Al-Anon.”  Furthermore, I surely would never be grateful for the abusive alcoholic who necessitated my being here in the first place! I was thankful for the program and the support, but I do not think I will EVER be grateful for that man! Yet, here I sit, years later, advocating just that!

Have I forgiven him? Yes. Do I ever want him in my life again? No. Am I appreciative that I’ve become a stronger and more loving individual because of the abuse? Yes. Am I indebted to the many types of support I received that helped heal my pain so that I may help other women? My final answer, without any doubt, with all my heart and soul – YES! I firmly believe that my recovery would not have been possible if I had chosen to live with the fear, resentment and bitterness.  I can pour my love into this book because I have forgiven him and am grateful for my life.  More importantly, my deepest desire is that my experiences will help heal your wounds.

CHAPTER 10

Final Thoughts

The Dreaded Question

Let us address the attitudinal challenges our society demonstrates regarding victims of Domestic Violence. I cannot tell you how many times people have asked me questions that seem to resonate in everyone’s mind, “Why did you put up with it?” “Why didn’t you just leave?” Or worse, “What did you do to deserve it?”

These questions that victims constantly face are the foundation of the problem of Domestic Violence in our society. Although they may seem valid, these questions in any form declare that the victim is to blame for the injustices that we have experienced.

…Perhaps the better questions that we as a society need to resolve are, What can I do to ensure this does not happen to the people I love? What makes the offender act out? Who is at risk and why? How do we stop the cycle of violence before it begins? 

As in most societal issues, education is the key. We all need to have open, honest discussions without judgment. Solution-based ideas come when people work towards a common goal: irradicate violence and terrorism in our own homes. The reality is that anyone, regardless of race, religion, age, sex, sexual orientation or social standing, can find themselves in an abusive relationship.